Spoke to an awesome mate on the phone the other night who I haven't heard from in many many years, and he did the nicest thing. He encouraged me not to give up on my teenage dreams... Those dreams were a little while back, but I remember them very well. When he encouraged me, It wasn't so much that I thought 'yeah I need to keep working on that specific dream'. It was that my mate was so optimistic that I had something to offer. It really touched a deep important space in me, thanks mate! There's been a lot of mistakes made between then and now, and I'm hoping that [if my purpose is what I think it is] the people who lost faith in the person and purpose, will simply and gracefully allow me to be free [let me go] and forgive as best they can. It's rarely been my intention to cause any harm. However I'm very aware that I have blind spots that leave a wake of pain [and occasionally a wake of inspiration, compassion, and empathy that I didn't see either].
I once answered close friend who asked "how are you?" with "well, I'm trying to separate my self worth from my net worth". His response was also very encouraging. Following a reflective pause he fed back to me some detail on his perspective of my un-purchasable value. Thanks to you too mate...
Although those moments are incredibly inspiring and I'm very grateful, I constantly battle with the background hum that says unless I also succeed beyond just scraping by [or worse, debt creep], then any other form of progress is meaningless. This is not just my subconscious, but some very powerful statements made by significant people close to me. And the unfortunate thing is that at an evolutionary/instinctive/cave man level I agree with them. My hope is that the value that I think I am offering [I carve into the stone wall - visual memories and process to keep me 'on track' - 'on purpose'] will at some point also contribute to the lamb shank arriving back at the cave fire.
It's not that I want to necessarily have a party to follow my party line. That is, be 'on message' to lead the masses in some way because I know better! If the party line is to foster individuals to assist each other in their personal quest to follow their own purpose, and not be swayed by the 'background hum' that you have to have and be certain things, but rather find your meaning/role/purpose and explore it. And if that sometimes practically assists in some way that gets the lamb back to the fire. That is, everyone playing out their unique purpose, inadvertently taking care of each other in detailed practical ways - e.g. Jack Johnson in the corner while Jamie Oliver tosses a sensuous naked salad in the kitchen...
"it's always better when we're together"
If that's the party line, I'm in. Everybody's dreams would in some way contribute practically to the whole thing working... Idealistic?
Having said all that, there's a lot of value in chopping your own wood, shearing the sheep yourself, and standing at the fire doing your culinary best... it just may not be your main purpose. If somebody next to you is totally inspired by the cooking process, let them serve you in that way if they choose. Even though I'm very clear that 'my Kitchen Doesn't Rule' [it's not been a natural gift].
I still get inspired by Jamie to give it a go, and it feeds all sorts of parts in me. It's not my dream, not my purpose, it's just wood chopping for me [something that has to be administered]. I am working my spiritual tush off to appreciate the process of 'chopping wood and carrying water'. It feels worth the effort.
My dream, is to wander around, stoke the fire [sounds like the devil - sometimes I do like to be the 'devil's advocate'] and foster a lively space to practically keep wild dreams alive. I do it already as part of my work, and it seems appreciated enough for me to sometimes be able to pay someone else to shear my sheep. Most of the time I have to chop my own wood, and get the shears out, and it takes a lot of time. I'm not as fast or good as the professional shearer.
It's not quite that I resent the wood chopping, it's just complex trying to be fair and responsible, organised and focused for the basics and administrating the dreaming into little steps of 'living on purpose'. Might sound like whinging. I'm not...
I'm grateful, and tired, and sad, and happy, and loved, and used, and appreciated... what more could you ask for?!
Duck enjoys the glow and warmth of the fire